


Beautiful Mess

by sapphicalexandra



Series: It Comes and Goes [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 03, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bisexual Jace Wayland, Canon-Typical Violence, First Kiss, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Jalec Secret Santa 2017, M/M, Near Future, POV Alec, POV Jace, POV Outsider, Parabatai Feels, Past Relationship(s), Switching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-19 02:26:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13114005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicalexandra/pseuds/sapphicalexandra
Summary: After Jace is set free from his dark parabatai-like bond with Jonathan Morgenstern, he has a hard time dealing with the aftermath. It's clear to him what he wants, but is heworthyof it?





	1. Act I: Reborn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LittleZion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleZion/gifts).



> Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! This is my contribution to the Jalec Secret Santa, and it is for [myltzi](https://myltzi.tumblr.com/)/littlezion! I tried weaving in all your prompts, which totally fit my preferences too, so it was a pleasure doing them and I really really hope you like the result! :D  
> So, this story will have three chapters plus an epilogue, which i'll try to post quickly to not get too far away from the 24th. And this is technically part of a series, even though it can be understood without reading the other two parts, which were originally two one-shots that i realized fit together. But if you see references with specific quotes, you know where they're from. However, many things/events i refer to are MEANT to be left to the imagination, since this is basically my take on how i would like to see future book events translated into the show, Jalec-wise. If you haven't read the books, just roll with it.  
> The title and lyrics you will find are from the song Beautiful Mess by Kristian Kostov, which is such a Jalec anthem.

**_When  the  world shakes us  
Trying to take us out of line_ **

Being reborn happened in the form of a sword to the heart.

Jace didn’t remember much, only that his consciousness, after a literal _flame_ had burned him from the inside out in an excruciatingly painful manner, had suddenly cleared – no more clouds warping his mind into thinking that the bond he had believed to be good and pure was instead _bad_ and _twisted_. And he could see the battle raging all around him for what it _was_ , with him on the side of…evil. Clary stood in front of him, a burning, _glorious_ sword in hand, and he had no more energy to keep himself upright.

But something stopped his fall. Jace felt _someone_ catching him from behind, slowly easing him onto the ground. And he didn’t need to _see_ to know who it was, because he could _feel_ him. In those first few moments of new life – because it truly felt like _just then_ he was coming back to life, and not when the angel Raziel had risen him from the dead many weeks earlier – everything that had been unreachable to him before was _back_.

 _Alec_. The _real_ bond that he had chosen for himself. The _right_ soul tied to his, no longer hidden under layers upon layers of dark magic.

Alec was hugging him to his chest, holding on with his chin laid on Jace’s head, his body shaking so imperceptibly that Jace doubted anyone else could notice it…and Jace couldn’t help but reach for Alec’s hands almost desperately, squeezing as hard as his own battered body would let him.

Curse the day someone had drove a wedge between them, making Jace forget everything that Alec meant to him. Curse that _demon_ not even to hell, but to a place of complete non-existence!

That demon, however, had already escaped; the battle was over, and people had started to come closer to the parabatai pair, surrounding them with looks varying from pitiful to happy.

Clary, most of all, was still there, the sword having vanished from her hands, and she was silently crying with a smile on her face. For some reason, Jace felt _sick_ just looking at her; thinking, remembering all that time, during his... _swaying_ , when he had been with her as that same _wrong_ person. _This_ was all wrong, and Jace couldn’t do more than merely nod at her, hoping that it’d be enough to convey his gratitude…before he finally closed his eyes to better bury himself into his parabatai’s embrace.

**_Fear           of          tomorrow  
Feelings we borrow for a time_ **

After weeks (and _weeks_ ), they had finally tracked down Jonathan Morgenstern and his army, managing to engage them in a battle…and Alec _knew_ that he should’ve been focused on _defeating_ that despicable evil creature who had taken away his parabatai from him, but all he cared about was that he was closer than he’d been to Jace ever since he had confronted him in a dark alley; when he had found out that Jace was still _himself_ under the compulsion that had drove him towards Jonathan’s side.

(When he thought back to how Jace’s cutting words and violent threats had still not made him able to kill or even just _harm_ his own parabatai, Alec was still torn about whether to cry or to smile.) 

A scream was stuck in Alec’s throat anyway, as he predicted Clary’s move before it actually happened. DON’T DO IT, he wanted to yell at her…but if he didn’t believe in his parabatai’s inherent goodness, then why was he even _there_?

They had figured out a way to save Jace: the sword named _Glorious,_ granted to them by the angel Raziel, had the power to burn away the evil from the inside. And if there was enough good left in the person it was used against – Jace, in this case – he’d be able to live as _himself_ again, free from any demonic influence.  

As the sword was pulled out of Jace’s body and Jace screamed, starting to fall, Alec caught him before he could even think about it…and the fact that Jace was clearly alive and warm in his arms made Alec ashamed of doubting him even for one second - of _course,_ there would always be more than enough good left in Jace.

And, right then, the surge of _life_ that, like the most welcomed of floods, sparked back into the parabatai bond – that had been dreadfully silent the entire time of Jace’s...departure – was another incontrovertible proof that Jace was _back_.

But, as he held onto Jace unable to stifle the tremor in his body, Alec couldn’t feel the relief; he felt only _tired_ , that they kept losing each other, or almost dying, or that the bond kept being weakened or twisted in the first place…

Closing his eyes, Alec pressed a lingering kiss on Jace’s forehead, and he couldn’t care less what the people surrounding them, or Jace himself, would think. He would _not_ repress his emotions any longer, or pretend that he could ever want to be anywhere else but at Jace’s side. He’d had _enough_.

And hell would rain on whoever took Jace away from him again.

**_Water so deep, how do we breathe?  
How           do          we          climb?_ **

When he woke up again, Jace found himself on a bed in the Institute infirmary.

Immediately, he wished he was _anywhere_ but there, because he could already feel that if he saw _anyone_ , he would crumble in on himself. After everything he had done, not only recently, but all his _life_ …how could they bring him _here_?

And seeing Alec asleep on a chair next to his bed didn’t help at all; Jace felt his throat close, hot tears starting to fall from his face before he could even blink once.

“You’re _awake_.”

The whisper made him jump while Alec didn’t even stir, and only then did Jace realize that Izzy was on his other side. As soon as he did, he shot a hand up to his face to try and cover the evidence.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Jace could hear the tears in Izzy’s voice as well. A moment later, he felt a hand covering the one he had kept on the bed, and he had to stop himself from snatching it away. “You’re _home_ now. It’ll be okay.”

Oh, how wrong she was…but he didn’t have it in him to tell her.  

A few minutes passed before he could breathe regularly again, and he removed his hand to finally look at Izzy. She smiled wobbly at him. He couldn’t move a muscle.

“How – how can you even _look_ at me?” he croaked.

Her expression was set as she answered him, “That wasn’t you.”

“It _was_ me. I remember _everything_ , I-”

“That wasn’t you.”

The deep, groggy voice startled both of them, and they turned around to watch Alec rub his eyes, never having looked more tired than he did right then. Still, he didn’t waver as he spoke next, “ _I_ would know, believe me.”

Even if he had been addressing both, Alec was looking at Jace alone. And Jace _knew_ that Alec was thinking of the last time they had seen each other, when Jace had had a _sword_ at Alec’s neck…when he had told Alec he would _never_ love him back…when he hadn’t killed Alec, yes, but he had _wanted_ to…

So, even if Alec might have interpreted that non-killing as the ‘real’ Jace shining through, and even if what _Alec_ had said to him - that he would always… _love_ him - might still stand true, that didn’t change the _reality_ of the situation _:_ that Jace could never go back. It had been too much, he had crossed too many a line that a parabatai should _never_ cross. He had _repudiated_ Alec, in favor of another soul-bond with a demon!

It didn’t matter that he hadn’t been the one responsible for it…what was done was _done_ , and Jace had to start _now_ with pushing Alec as far away from him as possible. He _had_ to make it up to him.

Jace opened his mouth – to say _what_ , he still wasn’t sure, but he had to _try_ – but he suddenly remembered that Izzy was still there. She seemed to take the clue, however, because she got up.

“Sleep well, Jace. See you tomorrow,” she bid them goodbye, before leaving the room, her shoulders hunched.

 _This_ was another example of how much he was hurting the Lightwoods. All of them.

No more.

Yet, Alec preceded his next words, rather harshly, “I don’t want to hear it.” Jace’s mouth closed shut against his will. “Whatever it is, _save_ it,” Alec continued in the same tone, “I’m not going to listen to any bullshit coming from you right now, Jace. _This_ is you, and you’re finally _home_ , and I – _all_ of us love you. I know it will take time to find a new…balance, but _I’m_ not going anywhere, and _you’re_ not going anywhere, or if you are I will _hunt_ you down, you understand me?”

Jace still couldn’t speak, and Alec took that time to drag his chair closer to the bed, and grab Jace’s hand with both of his. It wasn’t a hard hold, Jace could’ve freed himself from it…but he was suddenly too tired to move.

“You’re _back_ ,” Alec said, his voice audibly shaken up - Jace didn’t know what had brought along such openness in Alec, and he didn’t know whether to love it or to run at full speed away from it. “And even if you’re not up to share your soul with someone else anymore, after what was done to you…just, let me be there for you, _with_ you, in any way you want. I don’t ask for anything _else_.”

 _Love…love is not there in the hopes of being loved_ back _. It just_ is _, for no reason, with no condition, nothing to be gained. And you ask if I still love you? When I’m dead, and my soul has risen to the heavens…even then I will love you, Jace Herondale._

Alec’s words, uttered in a moment of absolute hopelessness and yet so _full_ of hope, had haunted Jace’s other self, too. Now, they were sharper than a knife constantly twisting in Jace’s heart.

“I - I’m _so_ sorry, Alec, I-” _I’ll always want to share a soul with you, it’s_ you _who shouldn’t have or want to._

“Shh, don’t talk now. Just rest,” Alec whispered kindly, _lovingly_. 

 _And the Jace I know…Jace loved more intensely, more_ deeply _than everybody else. He did everything for love, he gave his own_ life _, even when he thought it was making him_ weak _. You might think it now, too...but there has never been more strength in a person than when Jace_ loved _. And I know you’re still that person, Jace._

Jace didn’t know how to tell Alec that he was _wrong;_ it wasn’t like that, he could _never_ be the person Alec saw him as. He was nothing but the shell of a broken person…and the people he loved the most only _cut_ themselves on all his edges.

“I…could I be alone for a while?” Jace merely said. He had to regain his bearings first, and then he could figure out how to proceed. Alec, however, raised an eyebrow at him. “I won’t – I _won’t_ go anywhere, I swear. I just need a moment.”

Alec reluctantly nodded. “Okay. I’ll stay outside. Call me if you need anything.”

He’d stay _outside_.

When the truth was…Jace could never start to _deserve_ the pureness of Alec’s love for him.

**_We’re      in      over      our      heads  
But somehow we make it back again_ **

Alec sighed, falling on a chair outside the Infirmary.

It was not as if he had been expecting anything different, and at least the fact that Jace wasn’t going to run was a _start;_ still, he had never felt heavier in his life.

Since he could _feel_ that Jace hadn’t lied about getting away, however, Alec thought he could at least afford to get up and walk a few feet to sit down next to Clary instead.

She looked smaller than usual, if possible, all curled up on her seat. A rather strange sight, considering that during the battle, or the last time he had seen her before that, she had looked larger than life. Alec couldn’t help but feel a pang of sympathy, then, upon realizing that she was merely confined, like _he_ was, in the space Jace had put in between them.

Alec had already made peace with the fact that she and him would always share that one fact: they both loved the person on the other side of the wall far too much. 

“You were brave...to do that,” he told her honestly. “I wouldn’t have been able to.”

Alec might’ve wanted to – and _did_ \- punch Jace in the face a few times in his life, but he could _never_ bury a sword into his chest, if it could mean killing him.

Did that mean Clary had more faith in Jace than he did?

No, he could never allow that to be true. Causing harm to Jace was simply everything that their bond stood _against_. Killing _himself_ would be easier than even coming _close_ to killing Jace.

Alec sighed again.

“I lost him,” Clary suddenly said, in a small voice just as unlike her.

Alec frowned. “What do you mean? He’s here. He’ll be fine, eventually. You _saved_ him, and he _loves_ you.”

“No, I didn’t. And he doesn’t.”

Alec didn’t understand what had gotten into Clary, so he frowned harder, turning his head towards her. “Hey, don’t say that. You went willingly into Jonathan’s clutches to be able to bring him back. Jace’s in that room right now because of everything you did for him.”

Only his reluctant drive to absolute honesty could bring Alec to admit that, because it pained him immensely to just _think_ about it.

During those wretched weeks when Jace had been lost, Alec couldn’t have wanted _more_ than to just drop everything and run after him; but he’d had an Institute to run, a war to win, a family to secure. Clary, instead, had been free as a bird, and Alec didn’t _know_ if it was her recklessness that had rubbed off on him, or if he had simply realized that, all in all, Clary’s plans – infuriatingly – always seemed to work in her favor…but she had seemed Jace’s only chance. That was why he had chosen to send her on the insane mission to join Jonathan and Jace, after prohibiting her from doing so in front of the entire Institute…

To this day, people still didn’t know that Alec was the one responsible for her escape from the confinement of the room he had put her in.

****

_Alec walked through the silent corridors pretending to be checking on the guards stationed there. Secretly, he was on a mission._

_When he reached Clary’s room at the precise moment of the change of guard, Alec’s mind had already been made up for hours._

_He took out his stele from the inside of his pocket and opened the door in a swift move._

_Clary jumped from her bed at hearing someone enter, but Alec put a finger on his lips to signal her to be quiet. She looked at him perplexed, but a small flame of hope could already be seen in her eyes._

_It only became bigger as Alec took something else from his pocket. Her stele._

_He handed it to her._

_“Bring him back.”_

_He watched her enter a portal with what could only be called_ hope _burning up in him._

****

Clary looked Alec in the eyes then, the fire completely spent in hers. “I wasn’t able to bring him back. I _wasn’t_. Whenever he was with _me_ , he fell further and further into the persona Lilith had created for him. But after - it was _you_ , wasn’t it? He saw _you_ , and I know he did, because he came back from a mission one night completely distraught…and ever since then he looked at Jonathan differently, he started _questioning_ things, he was able to break free from the compulsion more and _more!_ One time, he managed to talk to me as himself, even though he could barely _look_ at me…and he begged me to _kill_ him, Alec, and to tell _you_ that he was sorry.”

Alec realized his mouth was hanging open, and he closed it. Both his head and heart hurt as he took in her words. “He – he begged you…and what are you even _saying_ , Clary? He’s my _parabatai_ , we share a connection similar to what he had with Jonathan, it makes sense that he would get drawn out of that by _me_. It doesn’t mean he - he loves you any less or whatever it is that you are implying.”

Clary’s smile was more of a grimace. “In any other case I would believe that, too, but I _know_ what I felt. I can _tell_ that something’s changed in him, and that I’m not someone he wants to be near to anymore.”

“Well, that makes _two_ of us.” Alec gestured to where they were, and where Jace was. “Just give him time, okay?”

Clary got up. “Only if you do that too.”

Alec pretended not to understand her, and simply bid her goodnight when she did.

Her words lingered in the air all around him even after she had left.

It was not as if Alec didn’t understand what she had tried to get at, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t believe that she was completely out of _track_.

Knowing that his desperate stunt to go after Jace against every logic had somehow _helped_ , felt good, yes. Back then, he had needed to just _see_ him, only _once,_ to make sure that something of _his_ Jace was still in this world…not wanting to live in it any longer if there wasn’t, and what better way to go than by his parabatai’s own hands?

Instead, the mark he had left on Jace a lifetime ago had still _meant_ something; that Jace was tied to Alec in ways he wasn’t with anybody else, dark magic or not, and only _him_ could draw Jace back from the darkest of places. It felt _better_ than good, actually, because _that_ was the whole point Alec had ever entered the bond with Jace in the first place…

Still, Clary was wrong. Alec knew Jace _loved_ him, deeply, as all of this had clearly shown…but Alec had passed the time when he hoped Jace would feel something that he simply didn’t.

 _Clary_ had Jace like that, and Alec was _okay_ with it. Because what all that had happened had _also_ showed, was that _Alec_ had Jace on a whole other level, that would always matter – to him, and to Jace, maybe? – the most.

Soon, Jace would come out of the dark pit he had fallen into. They’d defeat Jonathan once and for all, and they’d all go back to a normal, peaceful way of life. _Together_.

Alec knew he couldn’t pretend he could go back to Magnus after ghosting him once again during the stress of war…and apprehension for Jace…but he could live with that. They’d all be fine.

**_When the colors turn grey and the lights all fade  
To                            black                            again_ **

Jace couldn’t bear to be laying down on the bed any longer. He got up, starting to pace the room while he ignored the uncomfortable heat of his body. He had a _fever_ now, _great_ , exactly another thing he didn’t need.

A plan of action. _That_ was what he needed.

_Think, Wa-Herondale, think!_

He couldn’t leave for now, that was sure, at least not until Alec lowered his guard a little bit. But he’d have to go, eventually, and hunt down Jonathan. He’d _kill_ him, for real this time, and he’d make sure that bastard wouldn’t be able to come back ever again. And then…he’ll figure out a new plan.

In the meantime, Jace calculated it’d take one week before Alec would close both eyes while sleeping. Hopefully.

In that one week, Jace would pretend to be feeling better and better. He’d share with Alec a few things, if asked, to not arouse suspicions. And then, he’d be able to sneak out under Alec’s radar…

Was _that_ his plan? Pretending everything was fine wouldn’t drive Alec away…not even almost _killing_ him had done that. No, his plan was to make his eventual departure as much of a betrayal as possible. He’d be _himself_ , so Alec couldn’t possibly put it on any demonic influence. If he broke his trust hard enough, Alec _had_ to realize that Jace was bad for him. Jace had already almost achieved _that_ , without meaning to, back when Clary had first entered their lives…he’d just have to do it again, on purpose this time.

He’d do it.

As soon as his resolve strengthened, however, he was rewarded with a sharp pain flaring up in him.

 _No_ , not again!

Yet, this felt different from those spasms that had gripped him constantly after he had come back to life. If those had sucked out all his strength, his life-force, his sanity…now, Jace felt like he’d be able to take down a greater demon alone, _bare-handed_.

He looked down at himself, and, if he wasn’t exactly glowing, his skin appeared to be _glistening_. His hands were curled up in fists, and he wanted nothing more but to rain them down on something, _Jonathan_ preferably; and the fact that he wasn’t doing so only caused the heat in his body to rise and rise…until he couldn’t hold in a scream any longer.

A second later, he could’ve kicked himself, when, inevitably, the door to the Infirmary opened and Alec entered hot on the heels of Brother Enoch.

Jace realized he was on his knees only when the latter crouched down next to him. But, as soon as he touched him, Brother Enoch snatched his hand away with a hiss. Jace was only vaguely aware of that, just as he took notice only on the side of the fact that the Silent Brother quickly signaled Alec of the danger. At that point, Jace could no longer pretend he wasn’t about to combust internally.

He laid down on the floor, curling up into a ball to try and contain himself. A ringing sound was pressing into his ears before he lost consciousness.

 _The Heavenly Fire is inside you now_ , Brother Enoch told him when he woke up again, _running in your system, and it will flare up anytime you have a burst of adrenaline_. _We of the Brotherhood we’ll try to figure out the best way to free you of it; in the meantime, I advise you to rest and exercise regularly, to see if your body will get used to the fire or not. Don’t be alone when you do that, and be sure to warn the people of the dangers of your skin._

Heavenly Fire. Jace knew others would see it as a sign that he was blessed; after all, the fire hadn’t killed him, which meant there was _good_ in him, and now the fire of heaven literally _flowed_ in his veins. Jace _did_ see it as a blessing, yes…but in the way that it now meant that people _had_ to steer clear of him, if they didn’t want to get burned.

The fire was but the mere physical manifestation of what Jace knew of himself: he projected pain all around him.

Either way, Jace chose to do what Brother Enoch had told him; it was simply easier that way. As soon as he was allowed back into his room, he stayed there all the time unless he was training. He exercised in bursts, to not cause his body to overheat again, but now that he knew about it, he seemed at least able to control it better than before. He didn’t collapse again, for one; being able to challenge the rush of power in an effective way apparently made all the difference. And, in those moments, he felt more alive than he did any other time.  

It was a good excuse, too, to avoid people. Jace would train, then he could simply say he was too exhausted to socialize or reconnect with the family he had in the Institute.

The Lightwoods _had_ come to see him when he was still in the Infirmary. Maryse had smiled and hugged him, warmer than usual over her joy for his return; Robert had clapped him on the back with comforting words of ‘everything will get better’; Max had excitedly recounted the happenings of his training with a big smile on his face. Jace had smiled the entire time, too…a smile that had fallen as soon as they had left.

Alec and Izzy had been there as well, and Jace wasn’t deluded that they couldn’t read past his façade. Still, he never let them corner him into talking for more than was necessary. If they were with him during training, he exhausted them and himself so much – they _did_ need all the preparation to bring this war to an end once and for all - that in the end they could only go back to bed. And since he had made clear he needed the time and space, they kept their distance. Jace couldn’t help but constantly battle with himself over both his regret and relief at how isolated that made him.    

And it was not as if he couldn’t tell that Alec was brooding, as his parabatai watched him silently and from afar. Jace felt in his very _soul_ that Alec was longing desperately to regain a closeness with him, and that he was worried, especially after the new revelation about the fire in his veins…but Jace’s plan hadn’t changed. He still needed to find that _opening_ , which, no matter Alec’s consideration for his need of space, wasn’t a small feat. Waking up earlier than usual one day, Jace had caught Alec sleeping on a chair outside of his _room_ , by the Angel. A sight that had felt like an ice-cold shower, at the same time that something inside of him grew _warmer_. Right then, Jace would’ve wanted either to throw himself at Alec…or to shake him awake to tell him to run as far away from him as possible.

Clary had been the easier to avoid, as she appeared as reluctant to confront him as he was.

That was why he would’ve never expected her to approach him in the courtyard while he was practicing his flips... _Izzy_ had been there with him, but now Jace realized that she _wasn’t_ , the traitor probably having left the both of them to have a moment alone.

Clary didn’t even give him the time to regain his bearings, before she greeted him in a cheerful tone that Jace knew was fake, “Hey.”

“Hey,” he replied, fidgeting with his hands.

She cut straight to the chase. “ _Please_ , just tell me if you really don’t feel for me anymore, or if I’m only imagining things. I _need_ to know.”

Jace looked down at his own feet, suddenly unable to speak another word…but he’d _have_ to, if he didn’t want to let time go to waste for all eternity, immobilizing them both in a crippling impasse. Plus, he owed her at least that.

“Clary, I – I really wish you weren’t imagining things,” he finally forced himself to say.   

And when he finally glanced at her, Jace didn’t know which one of them wanted to cry the most. _He_ was used to swallowing down the lump in his throat, so he was grateful that Clary did that, too, merely nodding at him while biting her lip…or he couldn’t have continued.

“I just…I thought you were everything I wanted.” If only that one sentence could’ve been enough to put an end to it all. “Even before the compulsion, I – it’s just that I’m starting to think that the _blood_ , the Angel blood we bought share, might’ve drawn us towards each other, you know? Because, when it came to the real thing, I didn’t feel what I thought I _would_ have, and…and I really wish I could give you a better explanation, but I – I don’t know what else to say. I just know that I-” _I’d be sick if I ever touched you again. You’re the most confusing mistake I’ve ever made, because I was so_ sure _, yet I’ve never been more_ wrong _._

He couldn’t bring himself to utter either of those sentences.

Clary must’ve understood anyway, because she nodded again, more vigorously this time, as if she couldn’t manage to do anything else. “Is it just…was it something I did?”

“ _No_ , no, of course not. You were…great, I – thank you for everything you did for me. Honestly, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.” He paused. (He projected pain all around him.) “I’m so sorry, Clary.”

A few tears finally left Clary’s eyes. “Is it Alec?”

Jace had to do a double take at that; thinking too hard about Alec was the last thing he wanted to do. “What about him?”

“Do you love him?” she asked more firmly, her gaze fixed on him.

Jace opened his mouth, almost about to laugh, “Ehm, of course? He’s my parabatai. What are you on about?” Even though he had said that casually, his heart started jumping inexplicably inside his chest, and he had to cross his arms, frowning.

Clary, even more inexplicably, rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I heard that already, you two, I swear…I mean, are you _in_ love with him?”

This time, Jace’s mouth started hanging open on its own, and for a good while, before he finally noticed it. He cleared his throat, now that his heart was practically stuck there. “Why – why do you say that?” Jace swiftly looked around at the thankfully empty courtyard. “Do you know that it’s against the Law even _mentioning_ something like that?”

“I’m aware of that, _thank you_. But I just need to...listen, hypothetically, without any Law or what not, would you want to be with-”

“I don’t understand why you’re _asking_ me this, Clary!” Jace burst out, _preventing_ those words from ever being uttered. “What do you get out of it?!”

“ _I_ need to understand what’s going on!” Clary shouted back. “I want to know _why_ I’m losing you, because I’m tired of being _blind!_ Yes, Alec’s your parabatai, but I had already noticed when I first _met_ you that it means to _both_ of you more than you believe, so I at least want to see it get somewhere! Or none of this pain has any _point_. Jace, I don’t want to see you beat around the bush forever about what you want from your life. _I_ was the one there when you broke free from the compulsion after remembering _Alec_ , when you asked me to _kill_ you, or did you forget that?! And now, I see you going around like a ghost, distancing yourself from the people you love, and I can’t – I can’t _stand_ it. I still _love_ you, no matter what, and I just want to see you happy, you _get_ that?”

For the third time, Jace was left with his mouth gaping open, a reply completely out of reach. When it was clear that he wasn’t going to break the silence, Clary took a step forward to better face him.

“Don’t close yourself off from living, or _loving_ , because of everything that was done _to_ you,” she urged him, now bordering on desperate. “Alec, he _loves_ -”

“ _Alec_ deserves much better than anything I could ever offer him!”

Jace’s skin was blazing worse than the first time, as he took a step back, just about ready to bolt away, or explode.

“I don’t think he’d _agree_ with you! If you just stopped for a moment to look at what’s really happening, you’d see how much he’s desperately trying to _reach_ y-”

“Because I need _you_ to not be blind, don’t I?! Why – why can’t you just stay away from things you know nothing about, Fray, for once in your life!”

At that, he really _did_ storm off, albeit not before being compelled by the fire in his veins to punch a hole in the wall.


	2. Act II: Revived

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is desperate to truly get his parabatai back.

**_Even    in    the    line   of   fire_ **   
**_When everything is on the wire_**   
**_Even    up    against    the   wall_**

Funny, how becoming Head of Institute had always been his dream, yet now the office felt like his own personal prison cell. He spent days and nights huddled in there, buried under reports, complains, rounds to define, mission orders to send, battle strategies to enforce. Alec _knew_ that he was only one part of a system, one ring in a chain, yet it truly felt like he was up all alone against the world.

The knowledge that he _shouldn’t_ be, since he had once made the biggest decision of his life _exactly_ to not end up alone…he would’ve wanted to say that it was only _one_ aspect of the problem, but it was not. It was the main reason why a gaping hole was opened at the center of his life, right under his feet, and every day he was inching closer to it.

Alec sighed – he was always sighing these days – and got out of his cell. At least, if he was active, he could think _less_.

He started walking through the corridors with his head held high only because he had to present an image, not because his neck had any strength left to keep him upright. He reached the ops center not even bothering to check where _he_ was, because it was _not_ as if he would talk to him, or acknowledge his presence.

When Izzy saw him, she sighed loudly, too, and Alec had to raise an eyebrow, addressing her crossly, “ _What_?”

“I’m _tired_ of seeing you with that long face. Just drag him into a closet and force him to talk to you, if he’s not doing it willingly, by the _Angel_.”

“I – can we not talk about Jace, for _once_? He’s _not_ the center of the universe.” Alec chose to ignore the irony of the fact that he hadn’t needed clarification of who she was referring to.

Izzy scoffed at his words either way, rolling her eyes, while the redness suddenly rising to Alec’s face could only be put on his annoyance...

What did she think he _was_ , a child?! He was trying to win a war, not play out a romance novel!

Protesting too much, however, would only make Izzy thing _more_ that he was just a Jace-obsessed love-wrecked fool, crying at night over his broken heart. And she didn’t need to _know_ that it wouldn’t be too far away from reality.  

As soon as she put a hand on his shoulder, however, Alec’s riled-up state fell like a leaf from a tree, leaving only his real face behind. Alec looked down, suddenly feeling only _tired_ again.

“What – what if you went on a mission together? Maybe getting your groove back could bring him to open up a bit?” Izzy tentatively suggested.

Alec’s head shot upright.

A mission! _That_ was what him and Jace needed! What better way to rekindle their connection than going back to their roots? They were _parabatai_ , their bond was primarily a battle one, and nowhere had their bodies and souls been more in sync than on the field, while their lives depended on each other. When their hearts beat as one.

And Jace _wouldn’t_ back down from a fight, if Alec still knew him at all. Jace hated both being confined and not on the front line, so he’d take the opportunity as soon as Alec presented it to him, even though it’d mean going side by side. Alec _hoped_ that that wouldn’t stop Jace…or the disappointment he’d feel would be incomparable. _Nothing_ would officially be sacred anymore, their bond forever a mere inconsequential thing of the past.

But first, he had to _try_.  

Alec pressed an enthusiastic kiss on his sister’s head, and he was only encouraged more when Izzy laughed - that was a rare and precious sound, these days. Then he turned towards a screen and started browsing for the happenings of the day.

A recon mission would be perfect; trying to find hints of Jonathan’s plans or his whereabouts was a priority now, after all. Alec closed in on a location of suspicious demon activity and went to inform Jace in a matter of minutes.

Finding him was even easier; they literally collided against each other on the corridor to Jace’s room. Alec gasped at feeling the sting of heat on his body.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m sorry.” Jace didn’t look him in the eyes, as he fidgeted with his fingers, probably to try and contain the power of the fire blazing through his system. “I’ll just-”

“Hey, it’s okay. What happened? Do I need to call-?”

“No! No, I just…trained too hard. I’ll be fine. I’m gonna go…rest.”

Jace was about to pass him and lock himself into his room, but Alec had to stop him. “Listen, Jace, wait! I have a proposition for you.”

Jace only spared him a brief glance, before averting his eyes once again. “I’m tired, I need to-”

“Too tired even for some good old shadowhunting?” Alec smirked at him.

Jace was taken aback, but he finally _looked_ at him with something more than misery in his eyes. “For real? I can go?”

“Yes.”

Jace nodded, and Alec could feel his trepidation as he stared down at his shaking hands. “Okay, good. I think it’ll help - this.”

“Yeah.”

They fell silent, and Alec _knew_ that Jace felt the space between them just as painfully as he did, so much so that Alec would’ve almost preferred being back in that alley where the _other_ Jace had put a sword to his throat. At least, back then there was an _excuse_ to their divide, and Alec had still managed to _awaken_ something in Jace. Remind him of their bond. Get him _back_ , if what Clary had said was true.

Now, Alec could’ve very well been the dirt under Jace’s shoes, for how much consequence he had on him.

“Who – who am I going with?” Jace broke the silence. He must’ve finally sensed the danger of that proposition.

“Me,” Alec replied curtly, not bothering to hide the challenge in his voice. Jace was opening his mouth, but Alec preceded him, “It’s either me or _no_ one. I can’t let you go with someone who doesn’t know you as well as I do, or…did, plus I need to see for myself if the place has anything to do with Jonathan.”

Jace flinched at the name, merely staring at Alec wordlessly, and Alec didn’t know what he wished for the most. To shake Jace as hard as he could? To yell at him SAY SOMETHING? For Jace to deny that Alec didn’t know him anymore?

None of that happened. Jace lowered his eyes again, instead. “I – if that’s what you want.”

Alec didn’t feel like sighing in relief. It had been too easy. “Okay, then. Ops center in ten?”

Ten minutes later, Alec wasn’t feeling any more relaxed. Their bond, after all, could very well _depend_ on the success of this mission, because they couldn’t go on like that, without being able to _rely_ on each other, for much longer. Yet, Alec had to let his apprehension go, because he _needed_ to hope that they would get out of these muddled waters.

Thus, when Jace arrived, Alec forced on a smile and, to not prolong the awkwardness, quickly used Clary’s rune to open up a portal. He stepped into it first, immediately starting to survey the area once he got on the other side, his bow at the ready. Jace arrived a moment later, and he did the same.

They were in a warehouse, an enormous, seemingly _empty_ space. Of course, neither of them believed that there wasn’t a catch, and Alec _did_ sigh in relief, if only internally, as soon as he realized that Jace had easily fallen into step with him, covering his back as they circled around to have a complete vision. That was their _thing_ , become almost second nature to how they played off each other on the field after endless years of practice, of _attunement_. This way, they both didn’t have to worry about attacks coming from behind; Alec never felt more protected than when they did this.

“What is your theory? What’s _he_ doing here?” Jace asked him in a whisper that resounded clearly in the silence.

Alec didn’t miss how the name had been skipped, nor had he not noticed how Jace had flinched at hearing it earlier, so he vowed not to use it, too, if not necessary. “Unlike his father before him, I don’t think _he_ wants to rid the world of demons. He wants them to _win_ , so I bet he’s opening more portals to the demon realm. We’ve been searching for them, to close them, and this could be a perfect spot…but why do you ask _me,_ anyway? Shouldn’t you be more privy to his plans?”

“I was never privy to his plans,” Jace admitted, the hesitation to share anything about that time also clear. “I was just told what, what was needed to do in single circumstances. But I agree with your theory, the number of demons has definitely increased.”

Alec nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat to bring himself to speak the next words, “You know that you can _talk_ to me, right? If you ever feel the need to share what it was like, or - or express what you’re _feeli_ -”

“We should probably concentrate, right now, don’t you think?”

Alec tried to rein in his disappointment, because, of course, that wasn’t the best moment.

“Thank you, though…Alec.”

That was said so quietly that Alec almost thought he had imagined it. It still felt real enough, though, so Alec didn’t feel like stopping the smile opening on his face, as warmth spread inside of him, “Of course…Jace.”

That was the last they were able to talk, because right then they reached a side entrance to what looked like a tunnel, maybe to the sewers…and a hoard of Shax demons sprung out of it.

The following minutes were a whirlwind of arrows flying, swords slicing, and slime exploding all over the place. Jace burned bright in the middle of it all, and Alec could swear he felt on fire, too.

The first hoard led them to another a bit deeper down, then to another, and to another. No matter their growing exhaustion, two parabatai against an enemy were fueled much more and for far longer than any common Shadowhunter. After killing the last demon in sight, they breathed heavily but were still ready for more, and Alec couldn’t be more overjoyed at their success, or at the fact that they, of all the people he had sent during the past few weeks, were to be the ones to find a portal.

Because Alec had no doubts that they were close to one; there were simply too many demons.

That, however, was the moment they probably should’ve gone back and called for back-up, especially a magical one that could close the entrance to the demon realm. Yet, Alec shared one look with Jace and knew that they wouldn’t fall back until they had _seen_ it with their own eyes; they both wouldn’t have considered the mission done otherwise.

“There are many tunnels, we should probably split up. Send a message if either of us finds it.”

Jace’s words could only fill Alec with dread, though. “But – but the closer we get to it the more demons we’ll encounter.”

“Nah, you really think they’re stuck next to it? I bet they rather went out to wreak havoc, and those ones were the last batch arriving. We should be safer for now.”

“Maybe. But I still don’t think we should get separated.”

Jace shrugged. “Wouldn’t you rather find it sooner than later?”

Alec hesitated for another moment...then resigned himself to it. Better sooner than later, he concluded; so much time had already passed getting rid of those Shax. “Fine. Message as soon as one finds it, then we’ll see each other at the entrance.”

“Cool.” Jace was already about to go left, when he stopped. “And thank you for – for the opportunity, Alec. I was going crazy in that Institute.”

Alec smiled. “I know. And you’re very welcome.”

Jace smiled, too, ( _finally_ \- how Alec had missed that sight), and he even lingered his gaze on him for a second longer. Alec almost thought he was about to say something, or _hug_ him...but, in the end, Jace didn’t, and resumed his steps. Alec ignored the way his heart tightened, and went the other way.

The tunnels seemed to go on endlessly, his witchlight the only illumination. He actually _didn’t_ encounter any more demons beside the occasional stray, though, so Alec became hopeful that one of them _would_ manage to find the portal safely.

And a while later, the message _did_ arrive.

Alec could breathe more easily.

He started retracing his steps at a faster pace than before. He wanted to get _out_ of those sewers as soon as possible, plus he had the sudden need to _see_ Jace for himself and assess his state, so that he could finally, _truly_ relax. When he reached the intersection where him and Jace had split, however, Jace wasn’t there. Not knowing if he was ahead or behind, Alec couldn’t wait around for him.

He was about to start going up and reach the surface, when he heard it – _them_. The snapping and trashing of a _whole_ bunch of demons approaching at a fast rate. Alec hardly thought he could take them all on his own, but he also doubted he could outrun them, and being caught from behind would be worse. Thus, he threw his witchlight on the ground, turned around, and waited for them to reach him.

The first few that appeared were dissolved by his arrows, but he soon had to take out his seraph blades and start slicing the rest. There were even more demons than he had thought; at least twenty, or thirty, who crawled on every surface, up or sideways or down, to get to him from all directions…

Using the last of his energy, Alec twirled around endlessly trying to kill them all. When a stinger caught him on the back, he didn’t even have the time to _scream_ , or the demons in front of him would’ve eaten him. Now blinded by pain, Alec stabbed his swords randomly. By the third sting, he was on the ground, his back leaving a wet path as he slid down against the wall.

He was _done_ for, he knew it, he was _surrounded_ , there was no way he could – when, suddenly, the jaws of the demon about to maul him turned to ashes. A shadowy form was in its place, and Alec saw with unfocused eyes someone who could only have been his parabatai immediately turn to face the rest of the swarm.

“Alec! Alec, stay with me! Don’t fall asleep!”

Hard to comply; he was losing too much blood from his wounds, and Alec already felt too lightheaded to think, let alone consciously stay awake or move long enough to take out his stele and heal himself. For how much it hurt his back, the slimy wall behind him was the _only_ thing keeping him upright.

He _was_ done for; Jace was slaying the last demons left, but Alec wouldn’t live long enough to see it.

“Alec, don’t you dare…leaving…me!” came Jace’s strained voice in bursts, “I won’t… _let_ you!”

 _I’m sorry, Jace_.

The last thing he would be feeling, though, outside of all the pain, was the joy for the reassurance that Jace still cared about him, at least enough to not want him to die…and that was one last gift Alec would cherish until his final breath.

Right then, Alec found himself _gasping_.

A rush of familiar power had started flowing through him. _Healing_ power. His iratze was working on him. And by the time it had done its course closing all his wounds, Alec’s vision had cleared, and he could see nothing else in the tunnel besides Jace, crouching down in front of him with relief shining through his dirty and bloodied face. Alec could feel a hand touching his face, caressing it gently, and it was the best thing he had ever felt.

“You’re alright, it’s over,” Jace told him - with a catch in his voice? “Let’s get you out of here. I’ve got you.”

Jace helped him get up. Then, still dizzy, Alec had to lean on him all the way back to the surface.

Only when he breathed clearer air could Alec finally keep himself upright on his own, and _think_ again. “How – how am I alive? Was it _you_?” he croaked.

Jace shrugged, nodding. “I think I just – I activated my iratze and it worked on you, too, like it happened once with…Clary. With her I share the angel blood, and I share my soul with you, so I think you must both read as a continuation of myself, that’s why that works.”

Alec nodded, still wrapping his mind around it. He hadn’t thought that could be a thing…but he _had_ thought about something else. “You were trying to get away, weren’t you? That’s why you suggested we split up, so that you could sneak out more easily.” He didn’t even say it angrily; he was just _tired_.

Jace didn’t even try to deny it, he simply looked away, biting down on his lower lip.

“Go, then!” The shout coming from Alec surprised _both_ of them, but only Jace openly flinched. “I said _go!_ I won’t be the one _stopping_ you. Go do whatever it is that you want to do! Run after Jonathan and be a hero one last time before you leave this world? Hide somewhere none of us will ever find you? Whatever, I don’t _care_!”

Alec turned around, and started limping away.

“Ale-”

“But you know what?!” Alec rounded back on him before Jace could even finish his sentence. “I _do_ care! I care about you, and about our bond, even if you don’t! If _that’s_ the reason you want to go away, then be my guest! But if this is just your way to prevent me from being hurt by you or some shit, just _don’t_. Don’t you see it by now?! The only thing about you that hurts me is when you’re _away_ from me!”

Jace didn’t say anything. He simply stared at him with a lucid glint in his eyes; but, at that point, that wasn’t enough. What did Alec need to do _more_ to get a reaction out of him?!

“I just – I don’t want to _lose_ you...I’m _tired_ of losing you.” Alec felt so hopeless, and yet, what _else_ did he have to lose? “I’m tired of _missing_ you.”

Nor did he care about the tears now falling freely from his eyes.

Scratch that, he _did_ care; Alec didn’t enjoy making a fool out of himself in front of Jace, especially when he was the only one doing so. Bringing a hand up to his face, he started rubbing his eyes almost maniacally. But it must’ve been the aftershocks of the pain, or the exhaustion…because, embarrassingly, he didn’t have enough hold on himself to stop a _sob_ from escaping his lips. And as it echoed loudly in the chamber, Alec wished to be swallowed back by a hoard of Shax demons.

Instead, he was swallowed by two arms wrapping themselves around him with such force that he stumbled backwards.

“I’m _sorry_ , Alec, I’m so sorry,” Jace spoke raucously against his ear, “don’t think that I don’t care about you, because I _do_ , you don’t even know how – how _much_. But I don’t know what to _do_. Is it that wrong of me to want to _protect_ you from me?! I might’ve been under someone else’s influence, but it was _my_ hands that killed my own grandmother! My hands that almost killed _you_! I-”

Alec returned the hug with all the strength his still-battered body would grant him, with all the desperation his soul _urged_ in him, before he battled his own jumble of emotions to let words out, “It _does_ matter that you were under someone else’s influence! What did you tell me when _I_ was possessed?! It was the demon! So, don’t – don’t think like that, I don’t care about what you’ve done, I just want…I want my parabatai back. Or, just _you_.” Alec rubbed his nose against Jace’s neck, inhaling his sharp, unmistakable scent. “Stop distancing yourself from me, or lying to me, I – I never _asked_ you to! Do you have any idea what it was like waking up one day and finding out that you were _gone_? And then having to be told from _Clary_ that you had died, and that the mother of all _demons_ had used that to tie you to _Jonathan_?! I - like I said, if you don’t feel like sharing your soul with someone else anymore, it’s _fine_. I just _need_ you in my life, in any way. So please, _please_ , don’t – don’t _leave_ me.”

Alec should’ve maybe worried more about how needy he sounded, or that he was leaning with his entire weight on Jace…but he couldn’t have brought himself to let go for anything in the world. Jace held him anyway, one of his hands smoothing the hair at the back of Alec’s neck; all in all, Jace was the sole thing keeping Alec from falling under his buckling knees.

Had Alec _ever_ put himself in Jace’s arms with quite the same abandon? Had he ever been held by Jace quite like this?

“Don’t you see,” Jace whispered hoarsely, “that I would give _anything_ to be the person who could deservedly share a soul with you? I – that’s _all_ I want. _You_ don’t know what it was like when I could _feel_ you again, or when you made me realize that you were that part of me that I was _missing_.” Jace drew a sharp breath, and Alec couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It sounded too good to be true, and yet… “Being away from you is the _last_ thing I want, too, I swear…but I don’t know if _you_ should want to be near _me_.”

“I don’t care what _you_ think I should or shouldn’t want, Jace. I’ll _never_ not want you by my side. And do you really want to have me on your conscience if you leave me without my consent?” Alec chuckled, but his attempt at levity wasn’t really such. He was _waiting_ , his fear out in the open, for whether he would be pushed off a cliff, or not.

Jace’s silence wasn’t really helping. Alec didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Jace spoke again, “No, I don’t want to have you on my conscience.”

**_And we don’t have a thing to lose_ **   
**_No  matter  what  they  say  or  do_**   
**_I     don’t    want    nothing    more_**

Alec started leaning on him even more, as he broke out into a laugh that was more of a cry, and Jace welcomed his weight with some form of reverence. Having Alec put so much trust in him, as if his entire body was _begging_ Jace to not let him go, felt like too much and not enough at the same time.

Because the truth was, Jace would’ve spent all his life _worshipping_ Alec, showering him with all the love that Alec deserved and Jace _felt_.

But he still wasn’t worthy.

Thus, when Alec finally broke apart and smiled wobbly at him, still trying to cover up his tears, Jace would’ve _kissed_ them away – the need to kiss Alec altogether was so strong, right then, that Jace couldn’t even fool himself anymore into thinking that he had been wrong about the feelings that he had discovered he _had_ \- but he simply resorted to cup Alec’s jaw and use his thumbs, instead. Alec let him, clearly surprised.

“I won’t leave you, I promise,” he reaffirmed, smiling rather shakily as well. Jace didn’t know _how_ he still wasn’t crying.

At least, he wouldn’t have to leave anymore. If Alec’s well-being depended on him staying, then Jace would stay; this way, he could mask his _own_ selfishness as being for Alec’s sake. Cause, since _Jace_ wanted to stay so much, it _couldn’t_ really be good, could it? Yet, an Alec quite as desperate as the one that had trembled in his arms wasn’t a sight Jace ever wanted to see again, especially if that was caused by _him_ and his _poor_ attempts at protecting Alec.

He’d _stay_ and try to mend their bond, all the while hoping that it would turn out okay, in the end. Jace _needed_ it to, because _he_ needed Alec.

And when Alec nodded, still looking like he could break down any minute, Jace could only hug him again. After all, he had almost _lost_ him because of his _stupidity_. An Alec torn apart by demons would also come to haunt him in his dreams; Jace vowed to never let that happen again, too.

“And I’m sorry for earlier,” Jace said then, “if we hadn’t split up, you wouldn’t have-”

“It’s okay. I’m just glad you came back.”

Jace swallowed. “Always.”

Alec melted into his embrace a little more, and Jace might’ve done the same.

Eventually, it became time to go back home.

“Can we – can we walk for a bit? I’m not ready to go in just yet. Are you feeling up to it?”

Alec looked at him with still-reddened eyes, nodding. “Yeah, I’m good.”

They quickly put the warehouse behind them, before slowing their pace.

Jace hoped that, by the time they’d get to the Institute, he’d be calm enough to manage some sleep; now, he still felt the aftershocks of the scare he’d had. But Alec walking silently right beside him, safe, _alive_ , was enough to slowly ebb them away.

“You’re freezing,” Jace suddenly noticed, “and you’re still covered in blood. We – we should probably go back…”

“No, no, I’m fine. This is relaxing. Please,” Alec said.

Jace didn’t know whether to like or not the fact that Alec could now bring him to do just about anything by asking him in that _tone_. “Fine, take that jacket off, at least. Use mine.”

Alec didn’t even protest, just silently complied. Jace’s jacket was a bit short on him, but it’d make do. And Jace wouldn’t care about the cold as long as Alec was warm.

They reached the entrance to Central Park, and they both silently agreed to go inside, taking a seat on an isolated bench under the trees. The sky was visible, and they looked at it for quite a while, merely enjoying the presence of the other. It was really relaxing, _balming_ , even.

Until…

“Clary told me that you asked her to kill you.”

Jace closed his eyes. He knew it would come, and he had resigned himself to the fact that he’d have to _face_ these issues, sooner or later…but it didn’t mean that he wasn’t still reluctant to do so, his skin crawling at the mere _thought_.

“I don’t want to pry, but I also don’t want to find you – dead, someday, without having tried to _help_ you, you know? Jace, do you still…?”

“I don’t know,” Jace answered honestly, forcing himself to keep going, “I just, I’m tired of always ending up hurting everyone, whether I’m being forced, or tricked, or possessed, or _whatever_.”

Alec nodded gravely, placing a hand on Jace’s shoulder, hesitantly, as if waiting for Jace to shrug it off. But Jace didn’t, and Alec started making circles with his thumb, a gesture more soothing than Jace would’ve thought. He almost started humming at the sensation.

“Yeah, I know. It truly feels like there’s always one thing after the other after the other, in a never-ending cycle…I’m so tired, too,” Alec admitted quietly.

Jace sighed. “Is that why you came after me, back then? You wanted to die, too? You _knew_ I could’ve killed you…I _almost_ killed you.”

Alec looked at him, and Jace knew that they were both reliving that night.

How Alec had dropped on his knees, asking to be killed, and the _other_ Jace had sneered at him, putting a sword to his throat…

How Alec had thrown at him the same words that Jace had said during their fight at the entrance to the City of Bones, and _that_ Jace had reacted unexpectedly to them, before running away, unable to kill him…

How Jace had taunted Alec about his allegedly- _past_ feelings…and Alec had told him he loved him. Still. Forever. Even after _death_.

Jace wondered if that was true to this day. He wondered whether Alec meant it in the way that, if Jace kissed him right _now_ , he would kiss him back…

Probably, maybe, yes.

But that was why Jace could never ease _Alec’s_ doubts. Alec must’ve been wondering if Jace still remembered those words, or what he thought of them. Jace’s heart clenched at the knowledge that he’d never be able to _tell_ him. He _couldn’t_ , or they’d both be lost.

“I didn’t want to live, if - if you were lost forever. Wither thou goest, I will go…” Alec finally answered, averting his eyes.

Jace blinked, letting the previous moment pass, trying not to drown in an unreasonable disappointment. “I don’t want you to die either, though, for _any_ reason.”

Alec shrugged.

“You’re a hypocrite, you know that, right?”

Alec glanced at him, then broke out into a smile as soon as he noticed Jace’s smirk. “Busted.” Then he sighed. “Okay then, maybe it’s better if we deal with all that later, little by little, okay? Change of topic, do you need help talking to Clary?”

Jace froze. “What? Why?”

“She thinks you don’t love her anymore, or something,” Alec chuckled, clearly waiting for Jace to do the same.

Jace looked down at his own knees. The sound of Alec’s mirth slowly faded away.

“Oh.” Alec paused. “Is it…if it’s about how you acted when you were under demonic influence, I’m sure Clary won’t mind-”

“No. It’s not that.”

Alec didn’t say anything else, clearly waiting for him to go on.

“I just…” Jace moved his fingers to shake away the heat rising to his skin, “when I was under the influence, and I forgot about everything else _except_ for Clary, everyone might think it’s because our love is undying or some shit...but _love_ was literally _warped_ in me by dark magic, directed all towards _him_. If my draw to Clary remained, then it was not love. It’s…I think, just like death connected me and - _Jonathan_ , my connection to _her_ must be based on our blood. Both things are, or were, something that was forced on me. Something I never _asked_ , or that I wouldn’t normally seek, you know? It all feels like a compulsion, now, and I’m tired of those.”

Jace looked up at Alec, who had an inscrutable expression on his face, before he blinked it away. “Oh,” he simply echoed.

Jace, however, suddenly felt unsatisfied. “Nothing like _we_ have. I _chose_ you, on my own, because I _wanted_ you by my side, because I-” _Stop, now_ , _don’t…_ “Because I _love_ you, Alec.”

Jace held his breath, while Alec…nodded.

“I mean, it’s _one_ theory,” he said, casually. “But it could not be like you think, and I don’t want you to set aside the other option, when you could be happy with-”

“Alec, I’m _serious_! I know what I feel. I – I could never see it clearly, not before I was completely void of it…but when I could feel you again, I _knew_.”

“Ehm, you knew what?”

Jace let out a sound of exasperation. Of course, it was only legit, after all this time…

“Jace, really, I think if you just _let_ yourself-”

Jace just gave up. There were no more restrains in him to stop him from grabbing Alec’s face and kiss him right on the mouth.

Alec stayed frozen for all of one second, before he molded his lips against Jace’s, opening his mouth with a gasp. As their tongues met with something akin to a _spark,_ Jace was already far gone, a continuous chant of _stupid, stupid, stupid_  going through his mind…because he had deprived himself of _this_ half of his life. That was why Jace would’ve never stopped the kiss, he would’ve spent the _rest_ of his life kissing Alec...but he had to let go, because the Heavenly Fire was about to burn them both.

Breaking apart with a jolt, Jace could only stare back at Alec waiting anxiously for his reaction.

Alec looked right back at him, his eyes still half closed, before he started laughing. “I – I can’t _believe_ that little brat, sorry, _Clary_ was _right!_ ”

“Clary?” Jace blinked a few times. “What does she have to do with…?”

“She told me _I_ was the reason you didn’t love her anymore, and _never_ would I have thought that she was…” Alec stopped laughing, fixing his eyes on Jace, turning serious.

 _More_ than serious. Pointed. Piercing. Jace barely felt like he could keep up with that much intensity...but he still tried to. “ _Yes_. I love you, Alec. I love you more than anything, I’m _in_ love with you, I…please, tell me, am I too late?”

Alec was holding his breath, but then he snorted lightly. “Late? Don’t you remember what I said?”

Jace, of course, did. “But, what about…Magnus? Weren’t you with...?”

“No, Magnus is no longer in the picture.”

“Can I - can I ask why?”

Alec didn’t answer. Not with words, at least. He simply leaned forward, and brushed his lips against Jace’s once again. Jace’s skin was still blazing, so he had to immediately jump back, but Jace understood anyway. Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, Jace had to lower his gaze.

Until he felt something else. Alec’s hands grabbing his face...and he was being drawn forward. “Wha- _carefu_ -”

Jace tried to struggle away from Alec’s hold and Alec’s mouth pressed on his almost in a panic, but Alec didn’t back down until far too many seconds later. At which point, Jace slid all the way to the other end of the bench. “Have you gone _crazy_? Why the _hell_ would you do that?!”

 Alec had eyes as big as the moon behind him. “Jace, I didn’t feel pain.”

Jace didn’t understand, still furious beyond words. “What are you even _saying_? The Heavenly Fire…”

“After the initial sting I didn’t feel pain at all, it’s what I’m saying!”

Jace shook his head. “What - are you for _real_? Alec, if you’re saying that just to be able to kiss me, is pain really worth-”

Alec started to laugh. “I mean, _probably_. But I’m telling the truth, I _swear!_ C’mon, don’t be silly, come back here. You won’t hurt me.”

Jace didn’t give any hint of doing so.

Alec rolled his eyes. “Okay, try taking my hand and see what happens for yourself.” He stretched out an arm.

Jace hesitated another long moment, before resigning himself to the inevitable. He _was_ a bit curious, if he had to admit.

Jace brushed Alec’s hand with his fingers, and Alec twitched, reflexively drawing it away, so Jace was about to get up and start walking away… “Oh, c’mon, you just need to hold my hand properly and longer for it to work!”

Alec didn’t look like he was going to back down even an inch, and Jace looked at his stupidly giddy face with a sigh, without moving from his seat. “And _what_ exactly does it need to work, if I _may_ know?” 

“You said it earlier, you can activate my runes or Clary’s because we might register as a continuation of yourself…so what if the Fire feels the same way? It _recognized_ me before, so if you would just give it the _time_. I swear I felt it.”

Jace opened his mouth, trying to protest that logic…but what if it was _true_? He met Alec’s eyes, and he decided to put his faith in the steel he found there.

Jace tried again; this time, he took Alec’s whole hand, refraining himself from snatching it away when Alec flinched. He would count to _five_ , that was it.

_One, two…_

Alec’s hand was visibly trembling under his, and Jace was about to lower the countdown to three…

_Three…_

Jace almost broke apart, but Alec gripped _his_ hand back, keeping it in place.

 _Four, five_.

Alec loosened his hold, and he smiled. Jace couldn’t feel any tremor in him anymore, and he looked down at their joined hands in awe.

“What did I _tell_ you, oh ye of little faith?” Alec teased him.

Jace let out a laugh, before he let go of Alec’s hand, only to start tracing Alec’s skin with his fingers; first his palm, then his wrist, all the way under his sleeve… Alec shivered, and Jace snatched his hand away with a start, but Alec quickly caught it. When he led Jace’s hand to his own face, Jace was the one to shiver. And he slowly, finally, scooted back closer to Alec.

When their legs touched, Alec cupped Jace's face, and drew him into a kiss. This time, they didn’t rush it. And, half-caught in his marvel for the wonders of the parabatai bond, half caught in his awe for _Alec_ , Jace felt something finally falling into place inside of him. The softness of Alec’s lips, the surprisingly sweet taste of Alec’s tongue, the tingles spreading from where Alec’s hands touched him…he couldn’t believe he had ever lived without any of it.

When they broke apart, even Alec’s voice felt new and enthralling, “If you’re still wondering, the answer is _yes_ , Jace. When I’m dead…”

“And my soul has risen to the Heavens…” Jace recited after him, as if it were a new oath. It surely felt like it.

“Even then I will love you, Jace Herondale.”

“Even then I will love you, Alec Lightwood.”


	3. Act III: Rekindled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where do they go from here?

**_So we stay in this mess_ **

“But why are you not surprised? How are you accepting this so easily, without…doubts? Not, not that I want you to doubt me, but after all this time anyone would have a hard time believing…”

“That their love is requited?”

“Yes. I mean, especially after what the other me told you…that, that I would never love you back. I – I assure you, Alec, that none of what I said back then was true, _none_ of it.”

“I know, Jace. I know.”

Alec could still feel the ghost of Jace’s lips on his, lips that were no more than a breath away as he laid his forehead against Jace’s. To be entirely honest, Alec would’ve rather crossed the distance again, and explained not with words the reason why he was ‘accepting this so easily’ or why the words possessed-Jace had said to him hadn’t even crossed his mind, and, now that they had, they didn’t _matter_.

He still tried to anyway. “Jace…it’s just that, I spent so long loving you in vain. I mean, not in _vain_ , just…wanting different things than you.”

In that moment, though, being able to count Jace’s lashes kind of made it hard to still remember what that time had been like, or to not lose his train of thought…

“My – my goal then, was just to find _any_ way to get over you, to stop or _bury_ all this pain that I felt every time I looked at you. But I think that after losing you for the umpteenth time, I just didn’t care anymore, you know? I couldn’t avoid the fact that your absence was as painful as ever, if not _more_ , so I just gave up trying to distance myself from my feelings for you. I _needed_ them, to get through it all…that’s also when Magnus gave up on me, and I can’t really blame him, especially since I – I’ve realized that I couldn’t pretend for much longer that my feelings for _him_ were…” Alec cleared his throat. “It’s just that, since I was already focused on _you_ and trying to get you back, and then after you were back, on trying to _get you back_ …when you kissed me, I had been waiting for it, in a sense? Especially after what Clary said…I would’ve never _actually_ believed it unless I had a tangible sign, and that was _it_. So I finally _let_ myself listen to what you had been trying to tell me, and, when I did that, I started _feeling_ it. I can _sense_ that something’s shifted, and I don’t really feel like questioning it much.” Alec chuckled lightly. “I just, _love_ you. I love you. I. Love. You.”

Alec punctuated every word with a kiss on Jace’s lips. Jace had closed his eyes, and kept his mouth slightly parted, chasing after Alec’s lips whenever they left him. Alec closed his eyes, too, and that bright-new tingling, _flowing_ feeling coming from the bond seemed to engulf him much more clearly. And when Jace’s mouth traced a shivering course down the side of his face, Alec was far away from any doubt.

“I also thought…you would have more…concerns for the Law,” Jace admitted between more brush of lips.

“Listen, Jace.” Alec took Jace’s hands in his. “I renounced everything that day I left to go after you, when I dropped on my knees in front of the alleged enemy, and declared my _love_ for you for the first time in my life. So I’m really _over_ letting the things I care about the most slip from my fingers. I love you.” He pressed his lips on Jace’s knuckles this time. “This is all that matters to me, right now: the two oaths that I’ve sworn to you. Is that answer enough for you?”

Jace merely nodded, before leaning his forehead against Alec’s once more. “But are you sure that I’m not…too much? I still barely know how to function.” Jace chuckled, but Alec didn’t share any of his amusement at all.

“We’ll learn together.”

At that, Alec felt a pull deep in his stomach that told him to throw any more reasonings out of the window, and his lips were on Jace’s all over again, and again, until he completely forgot where they were. He knew they should’ve gone back by now, and that people might be worried, but making out with Jace on a bench wasn’t something one could really miss out on, especially since they basically had a _lifetime_ to make up for.

Making out…they were literally _making out._ That made both of them laugh between kisses, while Alec was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that _Clary_ , of all people, had been right. _He_ had brought Jace back, Jace didn’t want to leave _him_ , and if that would’ve been enough in its own right, being able to do all sort of other things with Jace now was a Plus with a capital P.

Like, sucking on Jace’s pulse point until he moaned…pulling at Jace’s earlobe with his teeth then lick the sting away…have _Jace’s tongue_ trace the rune on his neck as some sort of alternative art performance, while Alec was all but caught in bliss…

The Heavenly Fire, too, was a welcome surprise. Amidst all the problems the parabatai bond might cause them, this was not one of them; Alec could rejoice at the fact that, because he and Jace were _one_ , the blessed fire flowing in Jace’s body could live in him, too.

That, however, also made the heat of their bodies rise at a more rapid speed than would be normal. An hour ago, Alec had never kissed Jace, now he panted against his mouth wishing he could do much more than kiss him. That was too quick, though, probably…right?

“We should probably go back,” Alec breathed in the end, almost flinching at how low the tone of his voice was...before realizing that it didn’t really matter anymore. Jace was busy leaving small bites on his jaw; pretty late trying to mask how that aroused him beyond words.

Jace kissed him on the mouth once more before responding, “Yeah, okay.”

Their gazes met, and Alec kind of lost himself in Jace’s mismatched eyes for a while…so a reluctance to go back home was impossible to avoid. Unless…

“Do you want to sleep with me?”

Jace’s eyes widened, his mouth falling open.

“No! I mean, _sleep_ sleep, in my room, just in case you have… _trouble_ sleeping. _I_ know that I do, so I wouldn’t mind if _you_ were there with…”

Thankfully, he was shut up, since it became kind of hard talking while his tongue was otherwise occupied.

“Alec, _fuck_ sleep, honestly,” Jace growled once they broke apart, “if I’m in your room, sleep is the last thing I want to do. Literally. Chronologically.”

Alec hoped his face wasn’t too red. “But aren’t we rushing things a bit?”

Even though ten years wasn’t exactly rushing…

“You call _ten_ years _rushing_?”

Alec laughed. “I mean, no…but this _is_ still new for us, and I don’t want to ruin things by diving head-first into them. Maybe we should take some more time to get used to this…development.”

“If that’s what you want, of course,” Jace relented, before smiling. “In that case, I accept the _sleeping_ sleeping offer.”

Alec couldn’t hold in a snort, but he nodded, feeling much lighter. Even though he already almost regretted putting up those boundaries...

He forced himself to get up anyway, turning around and impulsively stretching out a hand for Jace to take. Jace looked at it in surprise, before grabbing it as he got up as well. He didn’t let it go after that. And as Jace glanced up at him, Alec admired the play of lights in Jace’s eyes, before he bent down to kiss him. He had already lost count of how many times he had done that. Jace’s arms snaked around him, and they were hugging each other a moment later, swaying slightly on the spot. Alec buried his nose against Jace’s neck, breathing him in, and he felt at home.

Despite the late hour, getting back to the Institute didn’t mean that Alec could go directly back to bed. Thankfully, however, splitting from Jace, who instead _could_ , put him in a restless mood that gave him enough energy to be able to successfully prepare the plans for the next day and send a message to Idris with the coordinates of the new breach to the demon realm.

When he worriedly asked himself if it was possible that his _writing_ might reveal something of his newfound giddiness, though, Alec had to laugh under his breath. That was just ridiculous. He’d go around with a GUILTY sign on his forehead from now on, so he had to get used _sooner_ rather than later to not freak out about it if he didn’t want to reveal it, instead.

But when he thought of who awaited him in his room, everything else felt like mere background noise. It wasn’t that hard, then, to leave all his apprehensions at the door when he finally got there.  

Jace, clearly fresh out of a shower, was laying on Alec’s bed as if he had always belonged there – which he now most definitely did – and Alec already knew that all his restrains would also dissolve as soon as he…

Alec mentally berated himself, and started getting rid of his clothing. Jace smiled up at him, but his mouth morphed into a frown as soon as Alec removed his jacket and they both remembered that he had received multiple wounds that night.

“Shit, I can’t believe I forgot,” Alec chuckled.

Jace had already risen from the bed, and was inspecting his bloody and torn shirt with a critical eye.

“Let’s get you cleaned, I’ll help you.”

They were _warriors_ , they had washed each other’s blood and dressed each other’s wounds countless times…yet, as Alec sat shirtless on the bathtub, while Jace passed a wet cloth over his back, he could tell that they _both_ felt how the atmosphere was much more charged than ever before. And when Alec positively _melted_ under Jace’s ministrations, knowing that he didn’t have to _hide_ his reactions let him relax like he had never truly done around Jace.

But, most of all, it was when Jace pressed an unprompted, gentle kiss against his newest scar that the shift became crystal clear. Alec could feel the gesture resound inside him, his very core gasping helplessly as Jace’s love for him truly reached it, _claimed_ it. Riding the wave of that sensation, Alec could only turn around and capture Jace’s lips with a renewed intensity. It felt like a signature was being put under the oath they had sworn earlier, marking it as something that was incontrovertibly _real_. They had _officially_ crossed the friendship border, set aside the brother claim, unlocked a forbidden aspect of the parabatai bond, and they were truly walking a whole new territory. A lovers’ field.

And nothing, from now on, would ever be the same.

There was nothing playful, then – not yet, at least – about the way Alec let Jace better fit into the space between his legs, and deepened the kiss. Their mouths fitting together, their bodies arching towards one another; it all felt like another seal.

“Let’s get into bed,” Alec whispered.

Jace looked at him, a question clearly on the tip of his tongue.

“Yes,” Alec answered before Jace could utter it, as a smile grew on his face. 

By the time they reached the bed, they had already shed every last item of clothing, so that falling on it, their lips still locked, meant that there were no more layers to keep them from being in full contact. Their erections brushed against each other abruptly, inevitably, and Alec had to bite a moan into Jace’s shoulder right as Jace didn’t even bother to try and constrain his.

Alec recovered a second later, capturing Jace’s lips in a bruising kiss, Jace’s arms already circling his back to hold him closer towards himself.

When they brushed against each other once again, Jace drew his head back and started laughing breathlessly.

“What? Is something wrong?” Alec had to ask him, despite his near-incapability to form any coherent thought.

“No. Quite the _opposite_ of wrong, like, a complete other universe from wrong.”

Alec started laughing, too, all the while he kept leaving a trail of kisses from the base of Jace’s neck right up to his lips. “Yeah, you could say that.”

After that, no more words were needed.

Alec’s mouth retraced its steps, then he went further down all the way to Jace’s nipple, which Alec teased with a flick of his tongue. Appreciating the way Jace bucked under him, Alec did the same to the other one, and then to Jace’s belly button, and then to his parabatai rune, which he gave particular attention to, causing a chocked gasp to escape from Jace’s lips. By the time Alec had left a wet trail up to the inside of Jace’s thigh, Jace was trembling from head to toe. Alec finally wrapped his mouth around Jace’s cock.

“Alec…fuck, _that’s_ …”

Alec took that, as well as the fact that Jace clearly struggled to not thrust into his mouth, as encouragement, and kept going.

It was surreal, having Jace react to his every movement as if Alec was playing a very tantalizing, gorgeous instrument; his favorite, as a matter of fact, sprung right from his wildest dreams. But, no, it was real. His _real_ Jace was the one shaking under him, and _no_ dream had ever come close to the real thing. Alec traced his tongue over Jace’s entire length, the taste of it making him dizzy, and he could feel Jace’s pleasure, which was reflected in the way Jace’s hands forcefully gripped the sheets at his side, as if it was his own, and Alec had to press his own erection against the mattress to bring himself some respite. He didn’t even think he had ever felt this turned on in his entire _life_ ; their bond made everything resound _double_ , now that they were with each other and no one else. And hearing Jace call out _his_ name was incomparable to anything he had ever experienced.

When he felt like he had driven Jace close enough to the edge, Alec pulled away with a pop, before climbing all the way back to Jace’s mouth as Jace let out a strangled sound.

“Hey! Hey…I didn’t...know,” Jace tried to say around Alec’s tongue, “that you were…such a tease.”

Alec raised an eyebrow at him, punctuating it by pressing himself further against Jace’s overstimulated body, and Jace’s eyes rolled back in his head, while Alec himself had to bite hard on his lower lip.

When Jace recovered, he attempted a smirk. “Of course, I should’ve known. It was still quite rude, if you ask me.”

“Well, I have a better idea in mind…” Alec suggested. Jace was the one to raise an eyebrow this time. “If – if you want to, of course.”

Jace was playing with the hair at the back of Alec’s neck, as he pulled Alec down to press their mouths together. “Yeah, I want to,” he breathed, “I’ve been kind of dreaming about it, to be entirely honest…but don’t tell Alec.”

Alec snickered. “Sure, I won’t tell him, I promise.”

Despite the lightness of the exchange, hearing the confirmation that Jace really _wanted_ him was what struck Alec the most...as if he hadn’t just given Jace a blowjob. Apparently, he really _did_ need that reassurance.

When Alec bent down again, however, he didn’t care about past insecurities anymore. As the two of them breathed the same air, it was hard to feel anything else beside the fact that they were about to reach a point of no return. At least, that was how it felt for Alec.

“How – how do you want…?” Jace tentatively asked.

If he wasn’t already flushed before, Alec sure was now. “Oh, I mean…it’s whatever, but I think, since you’re not really used to this…”

“I…wouldn’t mind.”

“Oh.” Alec tried to suppress the images that his brain supplied…but his cock started twitching painfully anyway, pressed against Jace’s thigh.

“But if you want…” Jace concluded his thought by flipping them over.

Alec suddenly had a handful of Jace all over him, and he didn’t mind that at all. Quite the opposite of that.

He thought that Jace would’ve taken advantage of their new position to return the teasing favor…instead, Jace looked down at him as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. The emotions Alec read on Jace’s face were ones that he had always associated with _himself_ regarding Jace, and being at the receiving end of them made him suddenly feel overwhelmed. Alec didn’t know _how_ he would survive doing anything more than _this_ , without combusting.

Not that stopping was anywhere near his mind. _Yes_ , he would’ve answered Jace if he could talk past the lump in his throat; he very much wanted _him_. And when he pointed Jace towards his bedside table, Alec was left waiting with nothing less but a heart about to jump out of his chest, and an aching body already feeling the ghost of what was about to happen.

Jace came up with a bottle of lube, and Alec immediately gestured to take it. Jace pulled it away.

“No, could I do it? Will you...teach me?”

Alec couldn’t contain the shiver than ran all throughout him, as he nodded mutely.

Jace opened the bottle of lube and coated his entire hand with it, which would’ve made Alec laugh in any other circumstance. As it stood, he was too transfixed, following closely Jace’s every movement. Jace finally turned back towards him, and Alec spread his legs all the way to let him get in between. He felt a thrill; of worry, apprehension...of trust, love. Even if he felt like he had already done that a long time ago, Alec knew that giving all of himself to Jace would change him permanently. Deep inside, in his soul. In _their_ soul.

Alec guided Jace’s finger inside of his body, and the thrill only spread.

Jace had always been a quick learner, so by the time he had two fingers in, he had already managed to hit Alec’s prostate. And Alec already felt like he might’ve come on the spot.

Thankfully, he didn’t, but he had to stop himself from moving too much around Jace’s now three fingers.

“Okay, I’m ready, come here,” Alec finally, impatiently, called out.

Jace complied, slowly removing his fingers, which caused a whine to slip unavoidably from Alec’s lips. They were soon covered by Jace’s mouth, however, so he couldn’t really complain. After Alec had grabbed a pillow to slid under his back, Jace hovered over him, both their chests rapidly moving, brushing softly, exhilaratingly against each other, without saying a word. Alec knew that words were indeed escaping Jace, as he’d hardly be able to grasp his emotions in such a tangible way. Alec could feel them in the way Jace kissed him anyway.

Jace looked him in the eyes then, and Alec nodded, at a loss for words just as well. Watching Jace guide himself into his entrance could never be described, after all, nor could the way Alec felt when Jace slowly filled him in. Jace pressed their foreheads together, and nothing else could be heard except their labored breaths.

“I love you, Alec,” Jace said against his ear. “My parabatai. The better part of me.”

“ _You_ are the better part of me, Jace,” Alec replied, breathlessly. “I love you.”

When their mouths met again, Jace pulled out of him before thrusting in again, quickly setting up a pace that Alec’s hips met all too eagerly, and Alec closed his eyes as a chant of Jace’s name left his lips.

**_This beautiful mess tonight_ **

Jace thrust into Alec at the rhythm of Alec’s calls for him, mouthing and licking at Alec’s neck after every breath, and all the fires binding them seemed to have joined to set up a new ritual. Alec’s body surrounded him in every way, and Jace had never felt closer to some form of higher understanding.  

It still felt cruel of him, to be taking everything that Alec was offering with not a hint of shame or concern for what that meant for their future... Yet, if Jace had really anything left of himself, of who he was or used to be, then it was his love for Alec. He – _they_ could both perish, but that would always remain.

When he had been stripped of the essential components of his soul, Alec had been the one to bring them back to him, after all. So he was _tired_ of thinking that it would be better if he stepped away from him, especially since Alec loved him just as much. Love could be their _strength_ , if Jace only let himself believe it. He _wanted_ to believe it more than anything.

“I love you, I love you,” Jace mouthed into Alec’s skin, hoping that it’d leave marks that Alec could always look upon, if he ever happened to doubt him. He would spend the rest of his life proving himself to Alec, even if his parabatai claimed to not need it. As Alec looked him in the eyes as if trying to anchor himself, though, Jace knew that he definitely did. 

Angel, it felt like nothing Jace had ever experienced. Alec was so tight around him, and Jace couldn’t help but tremble from head to toe as he slid into him at a faster and faster speed, which Alec encouraged by gripping his ass and drawing him further towards himself, desperate sounds coming out of him that enthralled Jace more than anything. He didn’t know why he had never thought of Alec in this way before, when it felt so _obvious_ to him now that only Alec could ever match him in passion, like he did in everything else. Only _they_ could make each other feel everything so intensely. And when Jace started feeling hints of his climax, they were both past the point of stifling their shouts.

“Jace…I’m…”

“I know, me too.”

Alec’s nails dug into his ass right as Jace bottomed out inside him once more, and apparently that was all it took. The wave of pleasure that hit them as Jace spilled himself inside of Alec and Alec did the same against his stomach, was so blindingly good that Jace could see only white at the back of his eyelids. And it seemed to go on for a small eternity, them crying out the echoes of what transpired between them and Jace not knowing where Alec’s completion ended and his began.

When he could think again, Jace had to force himself to pull out and not drop all his weight on Alec. He was still rather satisfied by Alec’s whine of protest, as he collapsed by Alec’s side. Alec didn’t let him go far, though, and hugged him to himself, tangling their legs together. Jace let his breathing slow down with his face buried into Alec’s neck, not even bothering to care about the mess they had made on the bed or on themselves.

When he looked back up at Alec, it was hard to sort through the reactions that wanted to come out of him; he didn’t know whether he wanted to giggle more, never having felt giddier in his life, or keep staring in awe at his wonderful parabatai, or drown in all the momentous happenings of the night.

He ended up doing a mix of all three, as him and Alec smothered their hilarity in fervent kisses, unable to keep off each other.

“That was quite…” Jace started saying.

“Yeah, totally terrible,” Alec deadpanned with a squeeze of Jace’s hip.

“Unbelievably so.” Jace couldn’t hold the serious face for more than a second, before smiling openly.

The next moment, however, they were holding each other tight, the silence heavy with all the things they couldn’t put words to. Apparently, being so attuned with each other led to such extremes from one blink of an eye to the next. Jace, right now, wanted nothing more but to map to memory even the smell of Alec’s sweat, as a hitch came to both their breaths.

But cleaning themselves up and falling under the covers was done in quiet contentment. Jace found himself in his perfect spot, Alec’s embrace, and he could only find easy sleep after Alec left a few goodnight kisses on his head. Apparently, they could also be rather sappy. Jace didn’t dislike that development at all.  

And when he woke up and it was still dark, it wasn’t because of one of his usual nightmares. That was why he couldn’t understand the reason for it at first…until he sensed Alec’s solid form - that would never feel quite the _same_ again – behind him. The shape of Alec’s cock pressed against the slant of his ass would’ve wakened anyone.

Before he could think about it, Jace tried tentatively pushing back, and he didn’t dislike the result at all, if how his body sparked with pleasure was anything to go by. Alec twitched behind him, groaning as Jace did it again.

The third time, Alec growled, even as he still involuntarily thrust forward to meet Jace’s movement, “Jace, shouldn’t we be asleep?”

“ _You_ woke me up,” Jace replied, his lips quirking up.

“I didn’t mean to,” Alec whispered, as he snaked an arm around Jace and pulled him closer.

“Well, too late.”

Jace turned around in a fluid motion, and Alec’s mouth was already waiting for him.

“Ready for another go?” Jace teased, even though he didn’t need an answer as Alec slid his hand down until it hooked under Jace’s knee and pulled it up against him.

They were both hard, and their cocks only rejoiced in colliding again. Jace didn’t think he would ever get used to it.

As Jace traced his hands over Alec’s body (Alec’s good amount of hair was surprisingly arousing), he already knew what he wanted. Alec gasped softly when Jace wrapped his hand around his cock.

“I want you,” Jace whispered, stroking him lightly as he placed a kiss on Alec’s chest.

Alec let out a low moan, before he stopped Jace’s hand, regarding him critically. “Are you sure? It’s not a requirement, or whatever you think it is.”

Jace smiled. “I know. I just want it…you, all of you.”

Jace’s thumb caressed the hand Alec had over his, until they both let go. 

“I just…” Alec continued, “I don’t want you to rush into things because you think you have something to make up for. You have nothing to make up for, especially to _me_ , okay?”

Jace wanted to huff in exasperation, but he didn’t, because Alec’s concern for him would never fail to warm him. “I _swear_ that it’s not like that.”

“And we can still do everything you want another time, you know? I’m not going anywhere…unless you’re going somewhere.”

Alec averted his eyes, and Jace sighed. He leaned forward until his forehead touched Alec’s.

“ _I_ plan on making love to you many, many more times…” Jace knew that his choice of words, or the shiver that passed through their bond, didn’t escape neither of them, “...but, _yeah_ , I also don’t want to leave things to tomorrow, you know? _Everything_ can happen, since we’re still at _war_. Carpe diam, and all that.”

“Carpe diem.”

“What?”

“Carpe _diem_ , not diam.”

Jace let out a laugh. “Yeah, _that_ , know-it-all.”

Alec couldn’t fight off a smile. “Also, technically, it’s carpe _noctem_ , since it’s the middle of the night.”

“Oh, shut up.”

They both burst out laughing.

“Okay,” Alec started when he finally calmed down, “I agree on seizing the moment, but…”

“No buts. C’mon, Alec, it’s just any other thing we could do, why are you so against it?”

Alec looked up at him as he had just spoken in another language. “Me, _against_ it? Jace, it’s rather the opposite of that…a whole other universe from that.”

Jace smirked at the reference, before turning serious again. “Then there is _no_ problem. You don’t need to be concerned about me, because I’m one-hundred percent _sure_ about it, okay? Alec, I love you. I want to _be_ with you, whether it involves kissing you, or healing your wounds, or bringing you food in your office so you don’t forget to eat...and whether it will lead to more secrets than we can count, or sleepless nights when we can’t stay near each other to not arise suspicions…I want it _all_. It might not always be easy, I might always worry that I’m causing you much more trouble than I’m worth…and we might not make it out, either because it doesn’t work out, or we die, or we get caught. It won’t _change_ the fact that you’re more myself than I am, or that I love you more than anything else.”

Jace cupped Alec’s face, where Alec’s eyes were sparkling. “Also, I enjoy _being_ being with you, and I don’t see any reason to deny that. I _really_ don’t know how I never realized that you were so…” Jace brushed his lips against Alec’s throat, “… _hot_. I swear your every touch is the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt, so much so I never want you to stop.” Jace grazed his teeth against Alec’s chin. “So I’ll spend every day proving it to you, until you can be with me without having any concern.”

He reached Alec’s mouth, and Alec’s tongue immediately came out to meet his, as Alec let a low sound vibrate deep in his throat, causing heat to pool in Jace’s stomach.

“Do you believe me?” Jace whispered.

Alec slowly opened his eyes. “I’m being a party-pooper, aren’t I?”

Jace smiled crookedly. “Well, you’re _my_ party-pooper. And the party’s not over yet, so I think you’re fine.” He kissed Alec’s nose. “But really, Alec, of course not. I want you to tell me what worries you. Yeah, I will try to do the same,” he quickly added, rolling his eyes at Alec’s raised eyebrow.

Alec must’ve finally been satisfied, because his restrains snapped, and he crushed Jace’s lips with his own until Jace was left gasping for breath.

“I want the same, Jace, all of it,” he breathed out.

Jace nodded, as he circled Alec’s muscled back with his arms, letting out a few needy moans as Alec started touching him all over.

Until Alec finally reached out for the bottle of lube. Jace didn’t exactly know whether he should’ve been glad or not that Alec had become quite expert at handling it, since he kind of – hypocritically – felt jealous if he thought too hard about why that was.

However, when Alec, eyes never leaving him, started circling his entrance with a finger, before finally slipping it in, Jace had to lean on the first option.

It burned at first, he had to admit it, and some time had to pass before he actually started taking some pleasure from it...but when Alec finally inserted a second finger, Jace had a hard time being quiet about it. He had never really been silent in bed, and, thankfully, Alec didn’t seem bothered by it. Quite the contrary, he kept on placing kisses on Jace’s thighs or his stomach at every new sound, the tenderness of which contrasted heavily with his steady ministrations, and that set Jace off more than anything. The sight of Alec between his legs, too, only made his hardened cock throb more.

“It’s fine, I’m good,” Jace strangled out as soon as Alec had a third finger in.

“Be patient,” was Alec’s predictable response. For some reason, however, his authoritarian voice also _did_ it for Jace, and he tried to give more effort to trying to not move around Alec’s fingers.

Finally, _finally_ , Alec deemed him ready, and Jace opened his arms to let him get into them. Alec’s chest sliding over him already felt so intense that it made him gasp.

“Wait,” Alec murmured against his lips, “I’d advise something else.”

Jace followed mutely as Alec rolled them over, so that Alec was under him.

“It’ll be easier for you like this.”

Jace nodded, pulling Alec up so that he could wrap his arms around him and position himself better on his lap. Alec’s erection brushed his entrance, and Jace hissed, mostly in pleasure, but he had to kiss Alec to stop his parabatai’s concerns from getting out. “I’m good,” he whispered.  

Alec circled him with his arms, and simply kept on laying kisses all over his face. “Whenever you want.”

Jace let his hand wander down until it reached Alec’s erection, taking it, and he braced himself. Alec’s hand joined his, and together they guided his cock towards Jace’s entrance, until the tip touched it. Then Jace circled Alec’s shoulder, Alec holding his hips, as he slowly started pushing down.

It was an entirely different sensation compared to the fingers, all the space inside him being filled all at once, and Jace panted, as Alec, his entire body tense like a bowstring, clearly tried to not move a muscle or make any noise. When Alec was finally buried to the hilt in him, Jace’s head had fallen backward and Alec was tracing the skin of Jace’s damp neck with his lips.

After a few long moments of staying exactly like that, Jace started moving up tentatively. Alec couldn’t help but groan, this time. Everything inside of Jace was on fire, quite literally, but especially his inner walls that were being stretched and grazed like never before, so he captured Alec’s lips to keep himself distracted from it, as he moved his hips up more decisively. Only Alec’s tip was in him now, but Jace sank back down before he could think about it. Finally, he also felt a thrill, and he gasped loudly. After a few more tries, he was full on moaning, now also able to focus on the fact that his own cock brushed against Alec’s lower abdomen with every movement, as Alec held him more and more tightly against himself. Alec had buried his face against Jace’s neck, his every puff of breath sending shivers down Jace’s spine, but that wouldn’t do, for some reason. Jace’s hands raised Alec’s head so that he could look him in the eyes as Jace sank down on him over and over again, as louder and louder moans escaped their constantly brushing mouths. 

And when Jace could finally set a proper pace, Alec stopped holding back, and he started thrusting up with his hips to meet with Jace’s. The sounds their bodies against one another only made Jace want to be even louder.

When he bit down on Alec’s shoulder, however, something else snapped in Alec. In the blink of an eye, Jace found himself with his back on the mattress, and the way Alec thrust into him, with the force of all his momentum, made Jace finally reach exactly that loudness he had craved for.

Immediately, Alec stopped. “Sorry, sorry, I forgot…”

He was about to break away, but Jace drew him back between his arms. “No. Do that again. Exactly like that.”

Alec searched his eyes for something, still clearly hesitant, but when he finally seemed to find it, Jace was swooped in a kiss that made his lips ache. Then Alec slammed back into him with even more force, and Jace had to break apart to cry out, as he felt his legs spread out wider to better welcome Alec in.   

There was no stopping, at that point, the furious pace Alec’s hips set up, so much so that Jace could barely keep up as it felt like his entire world was rocking in place, fireworks shooting up in him from where him and Alec were joined. Jace sank his heels into Alec’s ass, and, impossibly, everything became even better.

Jace vowed, right then, that he’d get Alec to lose all control like that every damn time, as if his life depended on it. Or rather, get him to _take_ all the control, because Jace truly felt a recipient for all the pent-up feelings that Alec had been storing up for him all those years. All Alec’s past frustrations were being let out in that moment, and they were taking Jace to a whole new plane of existence. No, he – and probably Alec – had never known pleasure quite like this before. As they both cried out each other’s names, Jace thought they were about to explode.

Almost. His climax _did_ take Jace completely by surprise, and he was blinded for so long, as Alec also relieved himself in him, that when he opened his eyes again everything seemed all the brighter. Alec wanted to draw away and collapse next to him, but Jace didn’t let him get away, locking him into place with his legs.

They let their breathing come back down still completely entangled.

“And you wanted to _wait_ ,” Jace teased him when he found his voice again.  

“Shut up.”

Jace laughed. “We’re never doing anything else now, know it.”

Jace could feel Alec’s smile against his skin. “Okay.”

**_Our love is untouchable_ **

Alec opened one eye, and immediately he let out a curse as he realized that it was already past dawn. He felt too good, the last thing he wanted was to be torn from that bed ever. He opened his eyes properly, though, because the temptation to look, or stare, at Jace was too great.

He could only see the top of Jace’s head, and the way his body was half draped over Alec’s, but that view didn’t disappoint Alec at all. He started tracing circles on Jace’s back, and he smiled when Jace clearly shivered under his hand. He was awake.

“Did I dream all that?” Alec whispered.

Jace only moved his head to look up at Alec. “If you did, then we must’ve dreamed the same thing.”

“Mmh, it was a beautiful dream.”

Jace snorted. “A beautiful _mess_ , you mean.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

When Jace kissed him, Alec wondered how he still hadn’t been reduced to mush. He felt that way, like a puddle on the ground that could never get up again, only wrap itself around Jace and go on with life just like that. With that thought, he rolled them over so that he could capture Jace’s lips at a better angle, tangling his tongue with Jace’s as he started humming at the back of his throat. When Jace opened his legs to let him settle better on top of him, butterflies started growing in Alec’s stomach – as his cock started aching - at what that reminded him of.

Alec was still surprised with himself. He hadn’t been an inexperienced virgin for a _while_ now, but nothing had ever brought him closer to drawing out this… primal instinct in him, to just let his body do everything he wanted and take all the pleasure he desired. Jace had clearly appreciated it just as much, but Alec knew that he must surely be sore because of that.

When Alec broke apart from the kiss, however, Jace was already a step ahead. “No regrets. Literally, Alec, you blew my mind. I will complain about a few bruises when I’m old and cranky…but even then, you won’t be allowed to not blow my mind.”

Alec laughed, hiding his face against Jace’s shoulder. “Optimistic prospects.”

“What? We are Shadowhunters, we have stamina runes.” Jace winked at him.

“I didn’t mean…oh, hell,” Alec shut himself up and wiped the smirk off Jace’s mouth with his own.

Then he broke apart and collapsed on his back beside Jace.

“Hey! Why did you stop?” Jace whined.

“We can’t. I need to be in my office in half an hour.”

“Yeah, exactly…plenty of time. There are many other things we can do.”

Jace’s smirk was back on as he laid on his side and his hands started wandering over Alec’s body. Alec’s protest got stuck in his throat, turning into a moan as soon Jace’s hand reached his cock.

“Fuck,” he could only say, as his hips bucked upwards to meet Jace’s movements, while Jace’s mouth landed on his nipple.

Alec impatiently led Jace’s head towards his mouth, however, while a hand slid over Jace’s back.

“What?” Jace asked him, stopping his hand.

“W-what?” Alec almost gasped. “Why did you...?”

“What’s on your mind?”

Damn it. Alec didn’t know if cursing the fact that Jace could read him so well, but when Jace leaned his mouth close to his ear, to whisper, “What do you really want to do?” Alec couldn’t really mind it.

He simply huffed, amused, and embarrassed. “Well…”

“Show me.”

Alec, unreasonably with his heart in his throat, turned Jace around, until he was on his side, so that he could place himself behind him. His hand raised Jace’s leg, and his cock slid between Jace’s thighs with an unrestrained sigh.

Alec silently waited for Jace’s response.

“I like the way you think,” Jace teased, but his voice was hoarse, so Alec hoped Jace was just as aroused as he was in that moment.

When Jace’s hips moved, until the length of Alec’s cock brushed against the slant of his ass, Jace’s response satisfied Alec enough to make him start to thrust forward. His hand slid down Jace’s front till it wrapped itself around Jace’s cock, and it didn’t take long after that for their bodies to move in sync against each other.

Alec had to admire his own idea, because there wasn’t anything quite as erotic as jerking Jace off as his own body slapped against his ass, warm and slick thighs driving him over the edge. With the sounds of his and Jace’s pleasure echoing all around, Alec’s hips couldn’t help but chase after his own completion at a faster and faster rate, so that he ended up emptying himself against Jace all too quickly, as his hand gave a final pull to Jace’s cock to let him relieve himself as well.

“Fuck,” both him and Jace groaned out loud.

Fuck, indeed, because Alec already wanted to do it all over again, even as his body, and erection, sagged completely. Why should he not? Who cared about the Institute or the safety of the Shadow World?

Right, _they_ did. Sighing (whining), Alec tore himself away from Jace, and sat up at the edge of the bed as soon as his head stopped spinning.

“I think I might have to bleach these sheets, by the way,” he said half-teasingly, but got no response out of Jace. “C’mon, let’s get in the shower.”

That piqued Jace’s interest enough to let him move from his near-catatonic state, spread-out like a starfish on the bed. He opened one eye. “Uhm.”

Alec snickered, before getting up with a sigh. And then a groan. Okay, he was sorer than he thought, his knees still not strong enough to hold him up, so he fell down on the bed with another groan.

Jace openly laughed. “Not sorry.”

He was sorrier when he got up himself, and Alec almost thought to not give him the massage he requested in the shower. But it was not as if he could ever deny Jace anything.

They were taking things too slow; he was already late.

But when Jace snaked his arms around him, as the warm water ran over them both, and Alec had a hard time hurrying up. Placing a kiss against Jace’s wet hair, he hugged him back.

Then Jace’s fingers started tracing his lower back, and Alec knew he was trying to feel his scars; memories of all the events that had brought them there couldn’t help but flood Alec’s mind. Not just of last night, but of endless nights of fear over losing each other, of fights against one another, or for their survival. Of distance laid with all the words unsaid.

“I don’t like that we got together just because you got hurt,” Jace admitted in a murmur. “I would’ve preferred it if you didn’t almost die.”

Alec turned off the water, then looked Jace in the eyes. “We didn’t get together because of that, but because you love me, and I love you. And I’m sure we would’ve figured it out in any case…eventually.”

Jace snorted at that, but his amusement faded straight away. “I’m sorry, I’m _really_ sorry I didn’t tell you that I had died. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have been…”

“It doesn’t matter, now. That demon doesn’t matter, either, because he will _die_ ,” Alec stated almost in a growl, before cupping Jace’s face with one hand. “ _You_ , just try not to die again, will you?”

“Only if you promise the same.”

Alec laid his forehead against Jace’s with a half-smile. “We really did both die, didn’t we?”

Jace nodded. “I still remember when you stopped breathing in my arms. I – I should’ve let myself _know_ , by then. I should’ve never let you get away from me. Angel, I was so _stup_ -”

Alec shut him up with a kiss, which Jace responded to with some kind of desperation.

“I was stupid to let you go, too,” Alec admitted, “I knew you were lying to me, but I didn’t press because I didn’t want to do the part of the one caring too much.”

Jace snorted. “What a beautiful mess, indeed.”

This time, Alec took Jace’s face with both his hands. “Hey, _you_ are my beautiful mess.”

Jace smiled. “And you’re mine.”


	4. Epilogue: Reassured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new development through Clary's and Izzy's eyes.

**_Clary_ **

Clary, tray of food in hand, stood in the middle of the mess hall, her eyes rapidly roaming the place, looking for a free table…until something else caught her interest.

Jace’s back was visible in her line of sight, as he, his own tray in hand, made his way towards a table to the left. When he reached it, Clary noticed that Alec and Izzy were already seated there, and Clary held her breath when she saw Jace immediately sit down next to Alec.

Jace’s face was properly visible at that point, and he seemed relaxed, a smile playing casually on his lips, as he put a hand on Alec’s shoulder, saying something that Clary couldn’t hear. Alec looked back at him, and the smile was easy on Alec’s face, too, making crinkles appear around his eyes.

Turning his head to face Izzy instead, Jace kept on talking animatedly as his hand slid from Alec’s shoulder, until it disappeared behind the edge of the table, out of Clary’s sight. But she thought she had a pretty good idea of what it did.

Jace’s eyes moved around the room, then, and they fixed on Clary as soon as he noticed her.

He was clearly taken aback, but he didn’t shy away from her gaze. The two of them stared at each other for a long moment, until Clary managed a smile and Jace nodded somberly at her, before his gaze fell back on Alec.

Even though only Jace’s profile was visible now, Clary could clearly see that his eyes were transfixed by Alec’s every moment, a softness in them that Clary had seen on him before, yes, but not like this. Never quite like this.

She was glad, really, that they had figured it out. She knew Jace had just thanked her, and she hoped it was because she’d had even just a small part in making him give a chance to a future with Alec. She hoped Jace now knew that you should never let the people you love go, and you need to cherish that love, because time is fleeting and something beautiful could come out of it…

Clary nodded to herself, swallowing the lump in her throat, before she found another table. Just this once.

**_Izzy_ **

“I can’t believe we still haven’t found a better cook,” Jace said as he sat down next to Alec, one hand putting the food tray on the table while the other placed itself on Alec’s shoulder. “Really, it’s almost as bad as if Izzy cooked for us all,” he added, looking meaningfully at Alec.

Izzy huffed, as her traitor brother was surely going to agree.

“Well, Jace, I also wouldn’t put _you_ in charge of the cooking,” Alec teased instead, and a smirk appeared on Izzy’s face, as she threw a _Ha! Ha!_ at Jace. 

“I take offense to that!” Jace burst out, but he wasn’t looking at Alec, rather at _her_ , and Izzy couldn’t help but notice how Jace’s hand casually sneaked down from Alec’s shoulder, clearly going to hold Alec’s hand under the table. _Subtle_. “Am I the only one who remembers the Christmas incident of 2011?!” Jace went on.

Izzy rolled her eyes. “That was one time! And the kitchen is perfectly fine _now_ , isn’t it?”

“The interior is all _wooden_ , Iz, it’s a miracle you didn’t burn it all to a crisp,” Alec jumped in, far too amused for Izzy’s tastes.

“Well, am _I_ the only one who remembers the time Jace gave us all _food poisoning_ because he cooked rotten fish?” Izzy asked exasperatedly.

“Did I _not_ just say that I wouldn’t trust Jace just as much as you?”

“Mmh, you better.”

Izzy smiled, but at the corner of her eye she noticed how Jace was staring fixedly at something right behind her, and she had a pretty good guess what that was, or _who_.

“Seriously, though, I can’t believe that of _all_ the things I need to do, now I have to start looking for a better cook, too! You’d expect that to be a _basic_ necessity, you know?” Alec complained, as he looked distastefully at the mush that was his food.

That was why he hadn’t noticed Jace getting distracted, nor when Jace turned his head towards him again, studying his face as if it was the most interesting thing in the room. For Jace, Izzy mused, it was probably just that.

She sighed. This was good, having Jace back, them all talking and smiling and joking together like old times, and her heart warmed at seeing Jace and Alec sit so close together, still clearly holding hands. Her brother looked happier than she’d seen him in…ever, as he finally met Jace’s stare and returned it with just as much intensity, the smile never leaving his lips.

The mission must’ve gone far better than Izzy had hoped, even if she would’ve rather preferred her brother to _not_ almost die, like he had reluctantly admitted to her had happened. She also didn’t want to think too hard about the details of _what_ had caused the two of them to glow like two Christmas trees.

Still, she needed for things to be _said_ to her, out loud. She would not accept silent understandings, because that led too easily to loud _misunderstandings_. They were _not_ excluding her from this.

So when they got out of the mess hall and started walking together towards the ops center, Izzy, in a swift move, caught them both by the wrist and dragged them into a storage cupboard.

“Wha-”

“Hey-”

“Shhh!”

They shut up until Izzy finally found the light switch and turned it on.

“What is going on, Iz?” Alec, his arms crossed, asked her once he could see her.

They were both looking at her expectantly, with a side of unease.

“Look,” Izzy started, “you won’t find someone happier for you than I am…”

“What – what do you mean, Izzy?” Jace said, frowning, before sharing a look with Alec.

“Seriously, guys? You were holding hands right under my nose!”

Jace crossed his arms, too, trying to keep a smile away from his face, while Alec cleared his throat a few times.

Izzy raised her eyes to the heavens. “If _that’s_ all the subtlety you can muster, then you’ll be found out in one week, _one_ week!”

“Oh c’mon, we knew you had guessed it,” Alec replied curtly, “we just thought we would all agree to never speak about it openly. _If_ something happens, and it turns out that you knew about it…”

“Yeah, Iz, we didn’t want to drag you into it,” Jace agreed.

“Well, not a chance. You’re not keeping me out of it, I don’t care what happens. I’m done with secrets between us, _okay_?”

Izzy, crossing her own arms, looked meaningfully at them both, and they at least had the decency to look sheepish. Jace hadn’t told anyone about his death and had been drawn into a demonic bond as a result; Alec had just up and left to go ask Jace to kill him one day, and Izzy dreaded to know what it would’ve been like if both of them hadn’t returned.

Alec looked at Jace, then, before turning his head towards her, nodding. “No more secrets.”

“No more secrets,” Jace echoed, somber.

Something unclenched in Izzy’s entire body, and she could breathe more easily.

“Good,” she stated, “and promise me you will be more _careful_ than I’ve seen so far.”

Alec sighed. “We’re not stupid, you know.”

“Debatable,” Izzy said, before adding with a smirk, “and you should thank me, by the way.”

Jace raised an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

“Well, _I_ suggested to Alec that you’d go on a mission together, to _rekindle your connection_ , I think I said.” She was openly teasing now, and it was so much fun. Where had the fun gone from her life? “I gather your _rekindling_ went well.”

Jace burst into laughter, while Alec was pointedly looking up at the ceiling as if he had found something far more interesting there. Izzy thought that they had _both_ turned rather red in the face, though, even if the lighting in that closet wasn’t very good. She snickered anyway.

“I would’ve preferred it if Alec hadn’t gotten hurt, but apparently only tough love works with you two. Still, I hope I won’t be seeing you two being stupid again. At the first long face, I’m banging your heads together, for _real_ ,” she concluded with a pointed look.   

“Okay, _okay_ , Iz. Are you _done_?” Alec said impatiently, and Izzy couldn’t help but smirk again at his embarrassment.

“I _think_ so. Well then, I’ll be going back to _work_.” She opened the door, about to step through. “And wait till I’m out to kiss, please?”

Jace stuck out his tongue at her, then he deliberately pulled Alec towards himself – who, taken aback, looked down at him with eyes as big as saucers – before drawing him in for an open-mouthed kiss.

“You’ll pay for that!” Izzy whisper-shouted, before closing the door on them.

“Was that _necessary_ , Jace?” she heard Alec whisper forcefully.

“As if you minded.”

When silence followed, Izzy quietly stepped away.


End file.
